The Seven Most Annoying People Around Your Hotel Pool

We’ve all been there; seduced by the tranquil, placid image of the hotel pool in the brochure on the website, only find on arrival that it’s populated by an army of small children, each in possession of at least six low flying inflatable objects, over amorous couples and swimmers who are oblivious to anyone and anything in their path. I think this dilemma is nicely summed up in this comic by The Oatmeal.

1.       The ‘Lads Holiday Patrol

Young men usually travel in large packs on holiday, and can be identified by their red raw skin (they ignored their mother’s advice to wear sun block), topiary-like hair dos, and often identical tribal tattoos. They are harmless but can often cause a ruckus in the form of grunting noises, repetitive conversations about the amount of ale they’ve consumed and which females around the pool they find most attractive. The odd scuffle around the pool to establish the alpha male of the group may take place resulting in some minor splash damage but the ‘lads’ stick with their own kind for the most part.

Annoyance factor – 4/10

2.       The Stag Do Parade

To the untrained eye, the stag party may seem like the ‘lads’, just a little older, but this is a gross misjudgement. Years of boozy nights down the local and unprovoked fights have pickled the brains of these seasoned drinking athletes. This means communication often takes the form of slurred shouting or football chants. Expect6 to find at least one member passed out surrounded by vomit by noon. Luckily most ‘stag do-ers’ have drunk themselves into oblivion by the afternoon, meaning you’re unlikely to see them surface for another 18 hours.

Annoyance factor – 7/10

3.       The Rowdy Family

We all know the type; dad’s more interested in reading the Sunday Sport than entertaining  the kids, mum’s working on the permatan and the kids decide to seek attention from you instead. Whether that be hovering ominously with you’re trying to snooze, screaming at the top of their voices, or creating bigger and more frequent waves than Hurricane Sandy in the pool; it soon becomes clear that lazy parents and restless kids are a bad combination.

Annoyance Factor – 8/10

4.       The Wannabe Comedian

You know the guy, the one with no specific job role, he just wonders around the pool asking for money for using the sun beds and trying to sell you newspapers and miscellaneous inflatable items. You aren’t even to sure if he works for the hotel but you begrudgingly pay him everyday. The worst thing about this guy however is that he thinks he’s a stand-up comedian, he could be hilarious, but all his jokes are in broken English so you can’t understand – you laugh to humour him but this only makes the situation worse as he assumes you find him hilarious and he makes a b-line for you everyday. The only escape is the beach.

Annoyance factor – 9/10

5.       The Buff Lifeguard

You know, the guy that boasts all the necessary equipment to wrestle people from the jaws of a killer shark but actually spends the day walking around the 1.5 meter deep pool. He wears sunglasses but you’re sure he’s looking at your wife…

Annoyance factor – 4/10

6.       The Overly Friendly Couple

Lesley and Allan are from Stevenage, they both work in finance and they come here twice a year because they love it so much and reasonable. They also got re-married last year in Florida. This is all information you don’t need to know but Lesley and Allan seem to think its critical that you do. They will repeat this information several times throughout the holiday, and there’s no way of shaking them off.

Annoyance factor – 9/10

7.       The Hypochondriac

Not directly annoying, the hypochondriac won’t invade your personal space or create any noise pollution, spoiling the good bit in your Tom Clancy novel, oh no, the Hypochondrac is unintentionally annoying, but annoying nevertheless. Everyday a ritual takes places where the lather themselves from head to toe in SPF50 sun block, wait for it to dry, perform several lengths of breaststroke in the pool, not before donning a swim cap I might add. There’s always the option of not looking at them but you’ve got to do something to let Leslie and Allan know you’re not interested in the the story about their honeymoon in Barbados.

Annoyance factor – 5/10

Joe is travel blogger who’s experienced many an overcrowded pool populated by such characters during his time as a holiday rep and travel writer. His last trip was to the Maldives with Hayes and Jarvis (http://www.hayesandjarvis.co.uk/destinations/Maldives), luckily he had the entire pool to himself J